growing up

you know how i always mention about people changing. things changing. people leaving and people growing up. sometimes. without realizing. it happens to ourselves.

just a couple of weeks ago... i went from being ecstatic to being in depression in just a matter of days. i was like-hell messed up. i wanted to screw my life. i wanna to get hit by a car. i wanted to just hate everyone like how i hated my life. it made the people around me worry and stuff. i guess i was just childish and immature then.

to think that. i got from being emogothic. to being sadistic. its just pathetic. and all cuz i was in love. yeah. isnt love supposed to make you feel happy and shyt? i thought that too. it does. but when it started hurting. like how mine did. i knew it was time to let it go. but again. being the young me. i didnt want to.

i fought and i fought and i fought. and i gave myself excuses and lie after lie to justify HIS doings. gave myself a reason to live. gave myself false security. i went from being depressed and crying night after night after night. to being a zombie. with a fake front on. i was hollow. i gave a new meaning to the term to feel empty. i lied to myself that i was happy. i smiled day by day. convinced my own head that i was ok with everything.

it worked. but like life is. sooner or later. the truth just smacks itself in your face.

when i found out HE'd moved on. i was beyond devastated. but i guess because of all the past disappointment i'd felt from him. the numbness and the emptiness. all i'd managed to say was Wow... i was dumbfounded but surprisingly. not a drop of tear did i shed that night. it was then. when i noticed. yeah. it hurt that i wasnt the one he would be thinking of anymore. but. somehow. it just. really cleared things up.

now, i smile while talking to his new gf. knowing that she's take over where i left off and do a much greater job than i'd have. i've ditched my blue hair. im happy with who i have now. ive got a job. im eagerly awaiting my results. i go out every single day. XD basically. i got my life back on track.

im really proud of myself and how much ive grown. really. no more crying to sleep or emo-ing at work. no more heartaches. just. me, myself and me spending time with my loved ones. the feeling is way better this way. thinking back. i WAS pretty stupid and naive. some of you may tell me 'i told you so'. but hey. gimme a break. i had to learn it myself. and im glad i did. =] i smile at myself thinking how well i managed to get thru this.

as i always push to tell myself. i will be stronger. for me. for once. and i was. cuz wat i went thru, didnt kill me. it only made me stronger. =]

ps: for those who know wat i went thru thruout this whole yr, thanks for being by my side. im sorry if i caused anyone any worry or pain. just know that i got thru it. thanks to you guys picking me back up time and again. love you guys... <3

~ Pump Up The Volume - Marrs
* My Life. My World. Shades of Black.